Perpetually Nauseous

Mad Money! Untraceable! The Great Debaters!
Please do watch this one.
Watch through the end for inspirational quotes.

Labels: Denzel Washington, Katie Holmes, Mad Money, Panties, Perez Hilton, THe Great Debaters, Untraceable

Today is my anniversary with Geranimo...4 years of bliss.

Time just flies when you are in love.

Happy anniversary Geranimo! I love you more and more every day...and to show you how much I love you, I've been working on gift. It's going to be VERY VERY SPECIAL.



It's going to blow your mind with its' inspiration.

Last night I got called about an audition for some TV show where they tell crime stories, and they are reenacted by actors. Lame. I know. It's like one step away from being on Jerry Springer. But I didn't have anything to do this morning, so I went.

The character description was: Round Face, possible facial hair, Maybe Chubby.

Perfect. I'm a shoe in.

So I go to the location of the audition, looking as round faced and chubby as possible.

And I wait.

I'm not called into the room until 40 minutes after my scheduled slot.

And before I even am able to sit in the chair they have set up, the casting guy says...

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I think you are TOOOOOO fair."

Excuse me?

"Your skin. Complexion. Too fair."

I look exactly the same way I do in my headshot, but maybe he looked at it in the dark.

He then says, "We are casting over 20 roles...but you are too fair for this role. Here , let me show you."

He then turns his laptop towards me and shows me this picture:




I exaggerate. But the picture he showed me of the man I was called in to play...wait, i'm sorry, "REENACT", was a Very olive skinned. Very fat. HUGE moustache. No chin or neck.

I have no idea why he called me in.

THEN, they start going through other characters...and looking at the pictures, then looking at me.

"OH! MAYBE HE COULD PLAY BOB! IF WE PUT A WIG ON HIM!!!"

And then they show me this picture...



or something very close to it.

"OH HE COULD BE THE CAB DRIVER? MAYBE? OR A PILOT! Have you ever played a pilot?"

"no."

This ended with me telling them to keep me in mind for future projects...secretly hoping that they don't.

Here's The Hazzards new video for Always...enjoy!

It's been a while since I've shared some work tales.

So here is one:

ME: Hello, Ticket Control how can I help you.

OLDIE: (sounds of gums smacking, the sound of death, heavy breathing, wind and the gentle sound of the grim reaper humming On Eagles Wings) Helllllo?

ME: Hello?

OLDIE: (sound of phone dropping. a death rattle)

ME: Hello? Ticket Control.

OLDIE: I want to buy a subscription.

ME: Ok.

OLDIE: I'm 91 years old.

ME: Great. How many subscriptions?

OLDIE: I just came from the hospital.

ME: Do you have your member number?

OLDIE: I don't have anything. I'm 91 years old. I just came from the hospital.

ME: Yes. You said.

OLDIE: (weezing sounds)

ME: So you don't have your member number?

OLDIE: I just came from the hospital. I lost an eyeball.

ME: Ok. Ok. Ok. That's enough.

OLDIE: I LOST AN EYEBALL.

ME: I'll look up your number, sir.

This week's I Like To Watch! Including TEETH, Over Her Dead Body and The Hottie & The Nottie.

Labels: deadly, eva longoria, over her dead body, paris hilton, teeth, the hottie and the nottie, vagina, vagina with teeth

I'll post about my trip to Austin soon...but until then, here are two of the best pictures I have ever taken in my entire life ever.

A Great Taco Place:



Iron Works, a Great BBQ Place



It was an amazing trip...More on that later.

Hello!

And Goodbye!

I'm heading to Austin this weekend for a week in order to work on a play, So alas, I won't be blogging. I will, however, be eating retarded amounts of Tex Mex food and drinking BBQ sauce out of the bottle with a bendy straw.

I will most definitely get a sunburn.

I will most definitely puke because I don't like Margaritas, but will feel OBLIGATED to have some.

I will most definitely be working hard and having fun and taking notes in order to report back.

I will miss you! Each and EVERY one of you! Even the people I don't know...I'll get you a magnet shaped like Texas.

xoxo.

Labels: Daisy from Rock of Love, Desperate Housewives, Jason Castro, Oprah's Big Give, Rock of Love 2 Reunion, The Tudors

I Like To Watch: Juno, Alien Vs. Predator, Lars & The Real Girl

Labels: Alien vs. predator, ellen page, emily mortimer, Juno, lars and the real girl, patricia clarkson

I love them.

OMG! THERE ARE NAKED PICTURES OF JAKE GYLLENHAAL and his PENIS that I have found...

Scroll down.


























J/K! This is the Tree Man who has grown root like warts all over his body!!
My favorite new game is to IM people the link to these pics and say..."Naked Pictures of (FILL IN THEIR PREFERENCE)!!!"

He literally gives me chills up my spine...probably the scariest thing I've ever seen.

And I'm sorry if this upsets you, pervert, but you thought you were sneaking a peek at someones ween.

Here are some more lovely pics (with commentary)



I wanna hold your hand! I wanna hold your hand!!



Hello? Hello? Do you sell gloves? Big ones?
What about an enormous nail file?




I wish that was a wacky straw. A green one.




God, I'd kill to be that banana.
******
Here is another fun game. Show the one you love these pictures right before making love.

Wait a few minutes into the love making...

Then whisper in their ear..."I want to rub my tree hands all over you. ALLLLLL over you, baby"
******
I can't stop thinking about this Tree Man.

I freak myself out and imagine having this stuff growing in my throat on on my face. And then I cry.

I hope you've enjoyed. Now go read Michelle Collins' of BWE.TV's post about "Making Number Three"

Labels: Jake Gyllenhaal's penis, Naked, Naked Jake Gyllenhaal, Private Parts, Tree Hands, Tree Man

Labels: Desperate Housewives, Rock of Love 2 Finale, The Tudors, Viva Hollywood

Theatre Boner Alert! I've been seeing some great stuff lately...but hate blogging about theatre, so tend to just shy away from writing and leave that to the pros. But I'm going for it...



Some of you may remember back in October when I saw my friends show HOSTAGES at the Crown Point Festival and was utterly disappointed...not by the piece itself, or the performances or directing. I believe in every single one of the people involved.I knew the piece was ultimately fantastic and very moving, dark, powerful and all those great adjectives...what disappointed me was the production (or mis-production) by Crown Point. And don't get me started on the strange pairing with other performances as part of the same evening (I, too, was held Hostage...and had to watch the Worst.Play.Ever. I don't even remember what it was called, but involved three 30 year olds acting like teenagers on a beach while discussing a small alien they found that looked like a dick. For 20 minutes. And one got naked and flopped his hairless strange little penis around the stage. I wanted to die. But I digress...)

So thank goodness for everyone involved (and thank god for you, adventurous theatre go-er) Hostages is back...But this time with a new name and a production it deserves.

HOSTAGE SONG (now playing.) is an indie-rock musical about hostages.

Did you just laugh? Did you just roll your eyes? Hush, child, hush. You have no idea how well this pairing works. I too was a little resistant to the idea...but it really does work. A lot.

I'm not going to get into plot or any of that...you'll see for yourself, and I am by no means a "reviewer", so I'm just going to list some reasons to see it.

1. It's an indie rock musical about hostages.

2. The performances that Paul Thureen and Hanna Cheek are giving. Quite possibly two of the most perfectly calibrated, incredibly moving, heartbreakingly hilarious performances around. Blindfolded and hands bound, they manage to give extremely physical performances that are so real it's actually terrifying. If I could bottle their realness I'd guzzle it up and share it with every actor I know. Or at least the ones that weren't my "type" (and we all know there are tons of parts for neurotic stocky gay guys with nasal voices...so maybe there's plenty to go around.)

3. The supporting cast. Clay McLeod Chapman (get to him in a minute.) Abe Goldfarb showing a very controlled and subtle performance, which impressed me very much. And his singing voice...which is wonderful. Hannah Bos...who, as Jaimie says, has beautiful hair, indeed, gives an exquisitely performed monologue...never forcing the emotion, she simply tells her story and it breaks your heart.

4. Clay McLeod Chapman's stories and book (and beard). Having been a fan of his monologues, I knew going in that those would be stellar. What amazes me most about his skill is that the dialogue is just as good. At it's core, I think the show may be one of the greatest (strangest) love stories I've seen (second only of course to anything with Drew Barrymore. Mostly HOME FRIES and MUSIC & LYRICS. J.K. But god, I love those movies) and the scenes between the two hostages are so well written you'd think this person is not a storyteller or a monologist, but a full fledged playwright. You know, the kind who writes scenes...with people...talking. The fact that he is able to infuse the play not only with really scary vivid language and stories, but also comedy that made me guffaw? It's darn impressive. I hope he never stops writing his stories...but do hope he continues to write scenes. The dinner scene is hands down hilarious. (And as a performer, he's fantastic)

5. The music. It's great. Really really really great. Kyle Jarrow's best songs I've heard. Great band. And, get this...you actually leave the theatre with the songs in your head. IT'S A FUCKING MUSICAL ABOUT HOSTAGES AND IT'S MORE CATCHY THAN MOST BROADWAY SHOWS! Take note, Great White Way.

6. Oliver Butler's direction. Clearly a man with exquisite taste, he is what most people say...A Visionary. In the wrong hands this play could be a disaster (I can't wait to see the inevitable Belport Playhouse production on Long Island!), but this evening is theatre magic. The staging is simple, and, well, perfect. The use of silence..brilliant.

7. The last 5 or 10 minutes. I dare you not to get chills. (I got them...which is amazing since the theatre was so hot I lost 45 lbs of water weight while watching and dripping)

8. Amy the Stage Manager is f-ing cool as hell and runs a tight ship.

9. Great production values (set/sound/lights)

So yes. Full disclosure, these people are my friends and sometimes colleagues. And no, I would never say something bad about them (on the Internet, at least. At a bar, maybe...if their backs were turned).

But truly, this production should be seen.

I think anyone in theatre wishes they could re-do a show that didn't come off correctly the first time. The Hostage Song team did...and thank god for that.

I really want to wear her as a necklace.
Or a Hat!

I've been busy!

Here are things that have happened since we last spoke. Nothing too exciting.

I turned 29.
I started obsessively moisturizing.

I got a Wii.
I'm obsessed with the game Bully: Scholarship Edition.
I am afraid, however, that my game playing trends are an indication of the kind of person I am. For example, I while playing, I constantly kiss boys, hit girls and throw little kids in garbage cans. Am I a misogynist?

I got a beard trimmer.
I trimmed my beard.
I tried to carve a caricature of myself into my pubes, in turn cutting off my penis.
Now I'm a eunuch!

I'm rehearsing for a workshop presentation I'm doing in Austin in a few weeks. It's The Debate Society's new show Cape Disappointment. Coming to NY in November. I'm excited.

I carved Geranimo's initials into my chest hair with my beard trimmer, then tried to kill the Lunch Lady in Bully.

I reminisced with a friend about the time I saw Starlight Express in London as a child and was convinced that Dinah The Dining Car was singing just to me. And that Ashley the smoking car was jealous of our connection.

Took some trips to the theatre.

I saw In The Heights. AMAZZZZZZZZZING.
I saw November. Funny.
I saw Passing Strange. No so into it, but wanted to love it.
I saw the Albee plays. Love him. Hated this production.

I shaved my head and put lightening bolts on the sides with my new beard trimmer.

I got a cold.

I lost and gained 35 lbs. I looked really good for 3 days.

The BEST NIGHT EVER video podcast is an official honoree at this years WEBBY Awards.

I died, was buried, and rose from the dead. And looked great doing it.

I shaved my arm pit hair with my beard trimmer, leaving only a tiny little bit, so it looks like my armpits have Hitler moustaches.

I went to Peru.

I tried Tuna Tataki (not in Peru). Delicious!

I attacked an old woman with my Beard Trimmer. She now has a Mohawk.

I learned to read.

I gave Toni Braxton a heart attack.

I broke up with Mary-Louise Parker.

I was kicked off of American Idol.

I'll be moving to Lifetime in the fall.

I think I can Dance.

I have no nose hair. (thanks to the attachment on my beard trimmer).

I swam the Atlantic.

I grew my hair into a bob, died it red, then shaved it with my beard trimmer.

I have no eyebrows anymore. Long story. Never smoke at a gas station.

I convinced Geranimo that I've been coughing up blood for weeks...just a little April Fool joke.

I fell in love with the singer ADELE.

I obsessively listened to Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis.

I swam the Pacific.

I skate boarded, bowled, boxed, played baseball, tennis, golf, set off stink bombs, picked locks, became friends with a homeless guy, ran around in my underwear, and beat a bunch of people with my baseball bat...(I love Wii)

And oh yeah, I shaved my beard. I look like a fat 14 year old lesbian.

That's all for now. I'll try to update more often...but until then...I cherish you.

I'm getting too old for this, but it keeps my skin smooth.

This week features Rock of Love 2, The Simpsons, Big Brother 9 and The Tudors

Labels: Big Brother 9, Daisy from Rock of Love, Pteredactyls, Rock of Love 2, The Simpsons, The Tudors

The Mist, The Kite Runner and April Fools Day

Labels: April Fools Day, Fog, Frances Sternhagen, John Lee, Marcia Gay Harden, Movies, Peas, Scary, The Kite Runner, The Mist

This weekend I went home for Easter!

My mother got herself a Wii, so first things first...I celebrated the resurrection of Christ by some good ol' fashion gaming.

I played for maybe and hour and a half straight, alternating between batting practice, bowling practice and my favorite...BOXING PRACTICE!

For the boxing practice, you just have to keep hitting punching bags until they explode. I was determined to beat my high score...So I just kept playing and sweating and playing and sweating...

It was INVIGORATING! I was convinced that this was going to by my way of getting in shape. It seemed so easy. I felt so powerful. My heart was racing, great cardio! Sweat! This is the most exercise I have gotten since acting school!!!! YAY!

And then I woke up the next morning.

And my arms were broken. I would since when picking up my (diet) chocolate frosted fat filled dougnut. It felt as heavy as a boulder.

It felt as though someone had punched my arms repeatedly...and then tenderized them with a mallet.

It still hurts. I think I'm dying.

But I also think I lost 30 lbs.
****
Easter Morning:

My mother got a new mattress for my childhood bed, and it was so comfortable and I was sleeping like a baby...until 8:00 AM, when seriously the most annoying bird in the world was chirping outside my window. I think this bird was the fowl offspring of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher.

So that was lovely.

I then had to go hide Easter eggs in my grandparents backyard in negative 30 degree weather (they live in Alaska) so my little cousins could hunt for them.

My cousins arrive. One little one says I'm not allowed to his house for Easter unless I shave my beard. HOW ADORABLE CHILDREN ARE!!!

Then we all go to the back yard to search for the eggs the Easter Bunny hid.

Upon opening the gate to the backyard, my uncles says, "Wow. Is the Easter Bunny retarded? I can see all the eggs."

There were 68 eggs. I did my best.
****
Easter dinner is fun, good food, good times, I made my patented Stuffed Mushrooms.

Then my mom drives me to the train station. We are waiting at the train station at the drop off/pick up area, and a cab driver starts honking at us.

Instead of backing up, which is what he could have done, he wants us to move and beeps until we do.

As he passes us, I give him the finger and say "Fucking asshole."

He then pulls up to us and mouths "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU" while giving us the finger.

He then zooms off into his parking spot, gets out of his car, sits on the back of his cab and starts pointing to his penis with both hands, basically saying "suck it."

My mom then says, "I'm getting out of the car!"

And she marches over to him while I cower in the passenger seat.

She proceeds to yell at him, saying she doesn't care who gave who the finger, SHE IS A LADY and doesn't need to watch him point at something that he "may or may not even have."

She then pulled out the big guns..."DO YOU HAVE A MOTHER SIR? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE POINTED AT THEIR PENIS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?"

She then came back to the car and said she was going back to talk to his boss, and that I should go to the train.

"I can't. I can't walk past him. I'm freaking out. I can't."

I am the biggest scaredy cat ever. All bark. So I go the long way to the platform, while my mother defends our honor.

She's my hero.

Here's an Easter Podcast I did with Shea Hess...sound is a bit wonky in the beginning but gets better as it goes.



Tune in tomorrow for tales of Easter at Home!!!

First off, I'll blog more next week. I know I haven't...but I've been trying something new. READING! And it's keeping me busy, it takes about a day to read a page...so as you can imagine I've been VERY busy.

Here's this weeks I Like To Watch:

Labels: Amy Adams, Atonement, Enchanted, Fatso, I am Legend, Keira Knightly, Will Smith

Labels: Dancing With The Stars, How I Met Your Mother, Paradise Hotel 2, Pussycat Dolls: Girlilcious, The Bachelor

Drunk or Acting? You decide.

This weeks I LIKE TO WATCH we countdown our favorite drinking movies!



Happy St. Patty's Day!!

Labels: Beerfest, Drinking, Drinking Movies, Drunk, Irish, PCU, St. Patricks Day, Superbad, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Has anyone else noticed that since their mandatory 3 hour training a few weeks back, all Starbucks employees look TERRIFIED?

Like they all stand around a container of steaming Soy milk freaking out about the temperature...worrying about getting you the MOST CONSISTENT DRINK EVER.

I personally wish they didn't have this training, because I feel as though it's taking 3 minutes longer per drink.

And no one should look that frightened at their job, unless they are slaying vampires.

This weekend I went to Florida with Geranimo to visit Mamma Geranimo (also known as Geranimo's Mom...or GeraniMoM)

We had a lovely time.

We got in very late on Thursday night/Friday Morning. Our rental car was a blue minivan. I really wish I had brought all my stuffed animals (Marvie, Herbie, CoCo, Chino, Sally, Roberta, Barb, Theopholis and Sambo) because I think they really would have enjoyed sitting in the back watching DVD's of "9 to 5" or "Personal Velocity" while we drove around the Tampa area blasting the A/C in our monster of a vehicle that we didn't really know how to use.

"WHY IS THE A/C STILL ON IN THE BACK???"
"HOW DO YOU USE THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS??"
"OMG! THIS RADIO IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! HOW DOES IT WORK!"

Incidentally, I think Florida radio is stuck in 1997. Blind Melon, Spin Doctors, Whoever sang Hey Jealousy!. Flash back!

Anyway, the first day Geranimo showed me all the sights.

"There's a Hooters.
There's a Panara Bread.
There's a Fridays.
There is another Hooters.
There are two more Friday's right next to each other.
There is a palm tree.
There is an Applebees.
There is where I went to high school.
There is a new Bennagins.
OH! There's a Chick Fila."

Chick Fil-a. I love it. LOVE IT. Why is there not one in NYC? Perfectly seasoned fried chicken sandwiches with "two crucial pickles."

The Best.

We also went to the Dali museum. That took us 12 minutes. He was weird, huh?
It's actually a great museum. You should go there.

We took a long walk on the beach, which was lovely. And windy! Everytime we tried to take a picture, a gust of sand would hit us in the face. So there are a lot of potentially beautiful photos of us that turned out horribly awkward. Eye rubbing. Spitting sand. Covering our eyes.

We after that we drive back to Geranimo's Mom's house. I'm so nervous! I've met her before, and always get along with her very well...but we are on her turf now and I suddenly turn into a social retard.

"Did you grow up here?"

I know she didn't grow up here! She's from the Bronx! DOH!

Basically the subtext of everything was..."Like me. Like me so much!"

I eventually got over this and things were great...but more about that in a bit.

First, let's talk about the bar we went to on Friday night. It's a little tiny hole in the wall owned by a mother and son.

We walk in and immediately stick out like a soar thumb. I think we are probably the preppiest things ever to walk into that bar ever.

I look to my right. There is big man in a blue sleevless t-shirt, tiny blue lycra shorts and a fanny pack.

If I had known, I would have dressed down.

Then a man with the biggest face I have ever seen on a person...literally, his face was huhuuuuuuge.

He tells us he used to be in the military, and tried to get us to buy a hot dog. You see, he's selling hot dogs for his gay social group that he has. I decline. As does Geranimo.

We learn Big Face is dating Fanny Pack for 15 years...and he would never leave Florida again. He has a double wide trailer and is as happy as a hog in heaven.

I smile and judge him silently.

He offers me a hot dog again.

Seriously. No. No hot dog. But thank you.

SATURDAY! THIS IS FUN DAY!!!!

We go to Busch Gardens with GeraniMOM. So much fun. I ride every single roller coaster possible. (Surprised? I love roller coasters)

And we spend the entire day talking about this one rollercoaster that looks super scary, called the Sheikra, which I call THE SHAKIRA.

I try to convince Geranimo to take it with me. He says he will. But then says he won't.

I learn that I am so powerful, so fearless, such a man...and Geranimo is a little girl. A scardey cat.

(I promised I wouldn't make fun of him for not taking it...but I lied)

I didn't push him though...unlike the man in front of us on line for The Phoenix. His son was probably 7. And he didn't want to go on. He was wearing a playboy jacket (who knew they made them so tiny?) and it seemed very out of place, if you know what I mean.

He kept saying he didn't want to go on, he didn't want to on.

And his fathers said, "What do you have? You have a poo poo? You have a poo poo between your legs like a little girl? You got a poo poo?"

I start HYSTERICALLY laughing, as does Geranimo. We start mouthing "poo poo" to each other.

We later realize it was probably "Pu Pu" Like "Puntang Puntang".

This day was really fun...but cold! Who knew Florida would be so cold!
I was finally at ease, and was my self. I think the three of us had a blast...something for everyone...Animals, Irish Step Dancing Shows, A short 4-d Pirates movie starring LIAM NEALSON!

We then go to dinner...to a chain restaurant I have never ever been to....

THE MACARONI GRILL!

THIS IS THE BEST PLACE EVER! SERIOUSLY DELICIOUS! I LOVE MACARONI GRILL! F THE OLIVE GARDEN!!!

Seriously. It's delicious there. I am in love with it.

We have a wonderful meal, filled with laughter and easy conversation, which is a nice contrast to my awkward robot alter ego that appeared on Friday.

It was a fantastic trip. Nice to see where Geranimo came from and see the sights...but most importantly, nice to know that his mom likes me and I AM THE MASTER OF ALL ROLLER COASTERS AND HE IS A GIRLY BABY GIRL! AND HE HAS A POO POO BETWEEN HIS LEGS

(Also...I love Macaroni Grill.)

First of all, I am freaking out and have been avoiding all text messages/websites because I was seeing an (awful) play tonight, and am just getting to watching the Finale on TIVO at 12:20am.

I have also made Geranimo hold off from watching it, even though he was home at 9:30pm, because I want our interactions to be ORGANIC and REAL.

And even though I have to pack for a trip to see Geranimo's mother tomorrow, and have yet to do that...first things first. I MUST WATCH THIS FINALE.

Here we go.

(As I watch)

Oh god. Do we have to relive Chris March getting kicked off??? AGAIN! I'm crying and we are just at the recap from last week.

Geranimo is going a little crazy with the tivo remote, overshooting by minutes. I may kill him.

I hope Rami doesn't win. I am going on the record as saying I may think Jillian (is it a fucking J or a G???) may win. But I am rooting for Christian.

Christian shows he is human, and cares what the others thing.

It's a J. I was right. My INITIAL INSTINCTS ARE ALWAY RIGHT.

Oh god, Cocky Confident Christian is gone. And it's upsetting me. And he's COMPLIMENTING THE OTHERS! WHAT IS GOING ON???

GORGE! 5'10! I LOVE! (christian during model casting)

Ok. They are at Collier make up place with bad skin make-up guy. I'm totally bored. This shit better pick up!!

Christian's stuff is looking amazing.

He tells his models "Don't be late. Look really skinny! Don't eat!"

That's what Geranimo says to me every morning when I leave the apartment.

It doesn't work.

Jillian is whining. Her head hurts. So whiny. So Long Island.

COMMERCIAL BREAK ONE
OMG! I'm GOING TO GO TO NICK FROM LAST SEASONS BLOG IMMEDIATELY.
not.

I take it back. Jillian is losing.

ME: SAY SOMETHING FUNNY GERANIMO!

GERANIMO: BABY! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS! YOU CAN'T RELY ON ME FOR JOKES. YOUR THE FUNNY MAN.

(Me Typing Like Crazy)

GERANIMO: ARE YOU RECORDING THIS?

Tim gets choked up, but does not cry. Drats.

Shit. That IS a LONG RUNWAY.

ME: That is reallllly long!

GERANIMO: Like my dick!!! (long pause) Was that funny?

(long pause)

ME: No.

OMG! There is Jack with the guy from TOP CHEF! The blonde one with the mohawk. Old new,s, but still exciting.

Christian's models' are so late.

He's freaking out, and when they arrive, he is super passive aggressive.

Rami restates that he wanted to show at Bryant Park since he was 5. Screw Leggos and He-Man. Bitch was drapin' and making stupid tiny baby head bow things since he was tiny Israeli baby.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I SKINNED MY KNEE! AND DRAPED A TOGA!"

Christians Family...Dad totally must be a laywer. Mom is a sex therapist. Sister is a bitch. That's what I think.

Runway show!!!

Victoria Beckham!

I have no idea how many commercial breaks we are in. I'm am obsessing about htis, and keep missing Jillian's first look.

Geranimo has to keep rewinding, and saying "LOOK! KEEP LOOKING!"

Oh my god.

Please, go to your tivo right now and forward to 25 minutes and listen to Jillian, "It was so...Incredible" when her runway show starts. It sounds SO ridiculous. I have played it 3 times and hysterically laughed each time.a

She literally made a She-Ra Princess of Power outfit.
I would have CRAVED that outfit on a toy at the age of 7.

Her stuff kind of sucks balls.
Geranimo is not into her "stupid sleeves."

Tyson Beckford alert.

The later stuff is better than the earlier stuff.

This stuff is so hot KORSIE has to wear SUNGLASSES! It's blinding him.

Jillian comes out after all her models. Michael Kors makes a face like he smelled booty marinating in fish sauce.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Rami comes out. Introduces his collection that "CELEBRATES WOMEN."

Give me a break.

First dress. Awful. Secon outfit...stupid.

Third, we knew we liked it before...it looks beautiful.

I'm losing count.

Red sack dress.

Gold dress...shel ooks like she is getting over chemo with the ltitle head dress thing he just put on her.

He is celebrating the woman, by celebrating the PONY TAIL apparently.

I'm really not into it.

CHRISTIAN! YAY! YAY!
Starting out strong. The crowd loves him.

I'm not typing because I am busy loving his stuff.

His last look is unreal. Unbelievable. Amazing. He has to wind. A little too much black...my only criticism, if any.

Jay Carrol thinks rami si going to win. That means he will lose.

Kevin thinks Christian will win. And doesn't show his penis and balls! Damn!

Nick Varvados or whatever thinks Rami will win. This means he will lose.

Christian is going to win.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

ME: Feel it. Feel my pimple. It's horrifying.

*(READ POST BELOW TO UNDERSTAND)

GERANIMO: No. No way. I'm not touching it.

ME: It's ruining my life.

Back to the judging.

Victoria Beckham looks like she's been blotting her face with a cheeseburger deluxe. So shiny!

Christain is so nervous.
Victoria Beckham says he's "MAJOR!" not fierce..."MAJOR"

Rami is being judged. I think he may win. If he does...I will do something very drastic.

I don't know what.

I will suck my own big toe for 30 second, if Rami wins. I promise.
(which I REALLY don't want to do...please win Christian...please.)

The moment of judgement...annnnnnd...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Jillian is out. I hope the poor thing isn't back at Ralph Lauren.

I'm actually very sad.

And really hope Christian wins.

Christian looks like he is going to Crack. Absolutely Crack.

"Christian you are the winner."

Geranimo and I literally scream like little girls and giggle. And squeeeeeeeeeeeeel.

Rami's last name is Cashew?

Christian is crying like a baby. I love it.

And everyone is coming out, giving hugs......

And Victoria Beckham looks really uncomfortable with all of this human emotion and attention that is not directed at her.

Wow. The he won a really shitty car.

Now what will I blog about???

Labels: Christian, Heidi Klum, Jillian, Project Runway Finale, Rami, Tim Gunn

I'm sorry I haven't written lately, but I'm dealing with some MAJOR stuff in my personal life. Life changing, dramatic, upsetting. My life is all topsy turvy. Meaning it's turned upside down.

Why?

I have an underground pimple....that's why.



I am blessed with skin like a porcelain doll. A shiny, red skinned, pudgy porcelain doll. My skin looks like it's constantly bathed in the blood of virgins. It clear. And shiny, yes....but SO CLEAR.

But every now and then, the worst thing that could ever happen to a person of my perfect amazing complexion, happens.

An underground-er. A pimple so large, and so painful, and so scary...that it doesn't even have to show itself to make it self known.

I actually feel like my heart is beating in my cheek. It is that bad.

Because it is such a rare accurance, I FREAK OUT when it happens. I used for freak out by playing with it obsessively until I bruised my face.

There was a point in college were it looked like I had a hickey on my cheek...or like i was punched really bad, because i bruised myself trying eradicate one of these fuckers.

I told people that it was a bruise from mowing the lawn...that I was mowing the lawn and ran over a rock, and a piece of the rock broke off, and that pebble hit me under the cheek, and that's why I had a huge bruise on my face.

It wasn't because I spent three days poking and prodding in front of the mirror.

Now I know better. I put medicine on it, and just talk about it. A LOT.

I also make up what it could be...what if it's not a pimple?

What if, like Amy Winehouse, I have impedego and there is a bacterial infection in my face and my face will soon start eating itself.

Or what, if like Jack on Project Runway, I have MRCA in my face and now my dreams of being a designer are crushed for ever??

What if it's cancer? Face cancer?

These are the things I talk about...for hours.

And poor Geranimo hears it all.

Here is what happened the other night.

He was very tired and went to bed. I sat wide awake thinking about my pimple. Then I came to bed.

ME: Are you awake?

GERANIMO: NO.

ME: Ok.

(Pause)

ME: You know what is the worst thing about this pimple?

GERANIMO: (mumble)

ME: It's totally ruining my week.

GERANIMO: (snore)

(2 minutes of silence)

ME: Do you think it will go away?

(no response)

ME: Is that a no?

(snore)

ME: It's really bothering me.

(pause)

ME: It's making me sad.

(pause)

ME: Wake up and talk about my pimple.

GERANIMO: You look beautiful. Don't worry.

ME: THANK YOU!

(pause.)

ME: But do you think it will go away?

ARE YOU AWAKE?

Helllo???

(snore)



I am suffering more than anyone ever suffered in their entire life.

This week's fun includes The Simpsons, Oprah's Big Give, That's Amore!, Rock of Love 2 and Unhitched!

Labels: Dominico, Jamie Oliver, Monkey Love, Oprah's Big Give, Rock of Love 2, That's Amore, The Simpsons, Unhitched

As I Watch

Yes. We all know you worked your ass off, Gillian. I am guessing so did the other contestants.

Visits home!!

Christian's apartment is TINY...his room is a closet. He's like the Anne Frank of costume design. Fierce.

Christian puts his "neck piece" up to his face and looks like a wee little gay SantaPixie.

Visit to Jillians. She is wearing an ugly sweater. Big apartment. SHE HAS MADE AMAZING CLOTHING!

I say "She is amazing!"

And Geranimo then says, "Except she is wearing shorts right now."

OH MY GOD OF COURSE SHE IS FROM LONG ISLAND!!!! I sweat I grew up with her.

She also has her sweater tucked into her shorts.

Her dad may or may not be a truck stop serial killer pedophile...but it may just be that hat that is throwing me off.

Her mother says "I sawr a clairvoyyyyyyent woman."

So Long Island.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

Geranimo reads what I have written..."I also said LEGGINS. She is wearing shorts and LEGGINS!"

Visiting Rami. And his "Two Friends"

The dude is his boyf. I wonder if he broke up with him for Chris March.

Rami was a cute little Israeli growing up.

His touching story of his brother walking in on him masturbating. I mean sketching. Dresses. I don't know which is worse.

This is one big analogy (his story of hiding his love of fashion) for his gayness. Right?

His studio is amazing. (That's the only word i know.)

Rami is doing a collection based on armor and fight gear (Joan of Arc)...similar to Jillian. Is it with a G? Gillian. It's too late now, oh well. I'm saying it's a J.

TIM: This is a heavy f-ing coat.

CHRIS MARCH VISIT!

His space is ugly...wooden. I still love him.

Oh gross. Human hair as a trim...He is using fingernails as clasps and nostrils for earrings.

Tim's "OOOOOH CHRIS!" is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Geranimo rewound it 6 times.

Tim says Chris lives in a monkey house. Basically saying his collection sticks and throws it's on feces, while picking bugs out of each other's hair.

Chris talks about his four older brothers. It's sad. I love him, I really do.

He is such a nice guy. I'm not feeling his collection right now...but I really hope he does extremely well in life and finds love and happiness and please chris...be well. Be well. I think you are going out.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 2

I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE PENELOPE SO BAD! CHRISTINA RICCI PLAYS A GRIL WHO HAS PIG FACE! It looks HORRIBLE! I have to see it!!!

Long ass commercial break, Lord.

Rami & Chris are bunking together? This must be when they started slapping salamis.

Chris isn't drinking water & everyone else are drinking beer. Interesting.

Catty little Chris & Christian moment.

Rami...ROCKING THE TURTLE NECK!

Tim...ROCKING THE TURTLE NECK AND LEATHER JACKET.

Wow mment.

OM MY GOD! WHAT IS JILLIAN WEARING ON HER HEAD!!! SUPER LOL!

Rami is freaking out.

Did they just show full model ass? I think?

Rami did awful little head pieces that look like they should be on itty bitty baby heads. Bows and whatnot.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 3

FASHION SHOW
Jesus those head things are ruining it for me. Ruining Rami's look.
They look like the should all be teething and wearing a t-shirt with a pink hippo on it that says "Grandpa's little girl."

Chris's stuff actually looks good! Maybe he will not go. Who will...I'm freaking out!!!

The Judgest are seriously grossed out that the hair is human.

Michael Kors says that his model looks like she's in a "Velvet Condom".

They should sell them.

I seriously have no idea who is getting kicked off. I kind of think it might be Chris now. I don't know. AHHHH!

COMMERCIAL BREAK 4!
I wanna see Miss Petigrew lives for a day.

We're back.

I'm so teary eyed right now. I can't believe Chris is off. Although I knew it. So so so so sad about it.

I hope he lives an extremly happy life always and forever.

I'm so glad they ended on Chris' laugh.

Next week Christian Crys and Posh Spice is there. I'm seeing a play that night...but you know I'm writing about that shit immediately when i get home.

Labels: Bryant Park, Chris March, Christian, Fashion Week, Human Hair, Project Runway, Project Runway Finale, Rami

This weekend I brunched with my grandparents. Always a source of stress. But we actually had a very nice time.

Before hand, I was at my apt getting ready and Geranimo was walking around in boxer briefs, a hooded zippy with nothing under it and put one of my ties on.

"I'm ready!", he said.

You see, he can't possibly come. Even though he's just my "roommate" in their minds, if they met him they'd immediately know he was my More Than Roommate. Mostly because I drool when I'm around him and whistle "Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear".

During brunch I learned my Grandfather doesn't trust anyone with the middle name Hussein, especially if they are running for president.

My grandmother doesn't like the way the IRISH are portrayed in the play The Seafarer...but enjoyed it. "But far to many F Words! F this! F that! F U!"

She said it was sad to watch me walk away alone...little did she know Geranimo was patiently awaiting my return...and still wearing my tie.

And imagine my surprise when I found out this character was created by Melissa McCarthy from GILMORE GIRLS, who also happens to be Jenny McCarthy's sister!

Labels: . Javier Bardem, 80th Annual Academy Awards, Diablo Cody, Jennifer Hudson, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, Once, Oscars, Tilda Swinton

Check out this week's I Like To Watch!!!!

I practice my "oscar winning" techniques and you get a sneak peek of a BIG FEATURE FILM I will be starring in!

Labels: American Gangster, George Clooney, Growling, Michael Clayton, Oscars, Ruby Dee, Sweating, The Good Humor Man, Tilda Swinton

The Following is an I.M. Conversation I had at 1:45 AM last night, with my friend Techi Hamamoto. That is not her real name, but it's sure as hell close.

I had seen a play, had a 2 drinks, and was a little drunko and couldn't sleep. So "Techi" and I had this exchange. Enjoy

TechiHamamoto: why are you still up?

PerpetuallyNauseous: because i just got in 30 minutes agol, stuffed my face and am drunko.

PerpetuallyNauseous: need to I.M. the calories off.

TechiHamamoto: oh drunko

TechiHamamoto: ha

PerpetuallyNauseous: thakn you for helping.

TechiHamamoto: you're welcome

PerpetuallyNauseous: how are you?

TechiHamamoto: work your fingies

TechiHamamoto: i'm okay

TechiHamamoto: jobless

TechiHamamoto: hanging out

PerpetuallyNauseous: yay!!!!

TechiHamamoto: i'm happy

PerpetuallyNauseous: masturbating a lot?

TechiHamamoto: until i have to get a job

TechiHamamoto: lots of clit rubbing yes

TechiHamamoto: ha

PerpetuallyNauseous: lol. you joke, but i know the truth. i've been unemployed. it's amazing.

TechiHamamoto: ha

TechiHamamoto: ha!

PerpetuallyNauseous: i literally cursed out a 411 person tonight.

TechiHamamoto: oh my!

PerpetuallyNauseous: she couldn't find the number i was looking for and was like "sir, are you listenign to me?"
and i said..."YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DON"T HAVE TO BE FUCKING CONDESCENDING...I AM SPELLING IT RIGHT"

PerpetuallyNauseous: (which i wasn't)

TechiHamamoto: ha

TechiHamamoto: ha

TechiHamamoto: you're hilarious

TechiHamamoto: why don't i see you

PerpetuallyNauseous: eh. i'm ok.

PerpetuallyNauseous: i don't know!

PerpetuallyNauseous: it's snowing!!!

TechiHamamoto: i know

TechiHamamoto: it's romantic

TechiHamamoto: i'm putting my head on your shoulder

PerpetuallyNauseous: i had a dream about you the other ngiht!!!

PerpetuallyNauseous: i forgot!

TechiHamamoto: nut uh

TechiHamamoto: what was i doing?

PerpetuallyNauseous: you had a short asian little tiny boyfriedn. who was a nerd. and i overheard him at a party talking about he was a member of all these "bear" websites

PerpetuallyNauseous: like big gay hairy men

TechiHamamoto: ha!!

PerpetuallyNauseous: and then he was like...no, i mean, i just like the way they look.

PerpetuallyNauseous: and i was like...omg, techi's bf is a gay

PerpetuallyNauseous: and wants to suck on my ball.

PerpetuallyNauseous: and then i woke up.

PerpetuallyNauseous: i'm not kidding.

TechiHamamoto: ha!

PerpetuallyNauseous: that was the exact dream.

TechiHamamoto: was he sucking on your ball

PerpetuallyNauseous: no. i didn't get to that point.

PerpetuallyNauseous: i think i might post this convo on my blog (names changed of course.)

(as I watch)

Carmen. Really dislike her.

Who the hell is Simone??

Wo